Young & Married

From Mark Driscoll: Biblical Masculinity

2010-07-17T22:42:00.000-07:00

One of our favorite teachers/ preachers and especially when it comes to family and marriage issues is a Mark Driscoll, founding pastor of Mars Hill church in Seattle. He's helped both of us is so many ways. If you are looking for sermons on marriage we recommend checking them out on Itunes- especially the Peasant Princess, a study on Song of Songs. Here is a little gem on biblical manhood:

"Men are prone toward chauvinism or cowardice: too much or too little.

The key is to understand the Gospel. The perfect man is Jesus. The man who we were supposed to be like is Jesus. Our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, comes into human history to live life as the perfect man—God-man to be sure, but perfect man nonetheless.

Men, you and I need to take our cue for masculinity from Jesus. The key to masculinity is this: Jesus takes responsibility for himself (he works a job), and he also takes responsibility for me. The cross is where Jesus substituted himself and died in my place for my sins. My sins are my fault—not Jesus’ fault—but Jesus has made them his responsibility.

This is the essence of the Gospel. If you understand this, it will change how you view masculinity.

A man is not the one who can spit the farthest, punch the hardest, fart the stinkiest, or yell the loudest. A man takes responsibility.

Some of you are not big or strong or physically tough. In a cage fight, it’s not going to go well for you. In a squirt gunfight, it’s not going to go well for you. But you can still be a man if you’re responsible.

Jesus died for my sins; he took responsibility for me. Once you understand how Jesus’ masculinity is one of the means by which he has served us well as covenant head, then you will realize to be a man means to take responsibility as the head of the covenant of marriage."

Excerpted from the Marriage and Men sermon (1 Peter 3:7), one of the most popular sermons in the Mars Hill media library and a seminal introduction to Mars Hill’s teachings on biblical manhood.

Check out Mars Hill Church

The Problem With Happiness

2010-05-07T17:49:00.000-07:00

"What if God didn't design marriage for happiness, but holiness?"

That is one of my favorite marriage quotes. I have no idea who said it originally, I've heard it in a lot of different places, but I love it. I hate it too sometimes. Like when I know I should have a better attitude towards my husband or if I need to apologize and just don't want to. Personal happiness really is pretty selfish most of the time if you think about it. Usually getting your own personal happiness comes at the expense of someone else and usually doesn't end up making you all that happy in the long run. I've seen too many times the pursuit of happiness make people leave their marriage. It may make them happy, but for the spouse, the children, it is often just devastation.

It is a pet peeve of mine anytime I hear someone say, "I just want to be happy" or "why can't you just be happy for me?". I don't care about their happiness, I care if they are doing the right thing or not. I care if they are hurting those around them. I care about their soul.

I've found that my personal pursuit of holiness has led to happiness. Actually "joy" is probably a better word for it. As I seek Christ and try to be more like Him, holy, joy becomes a bi-product. I've yet to see holiness be a bi-product of happiness.

Lunch box devotionals

2010-04-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

One of the simple things I do for Michael to show that I love him and to take care of him is to pack his lunch most days. Or breakfast, or dinner, depending on his shift.

Michael is a busy man. He juggles around 30 hours a week at Costco, then he has his own small business and goes to school part-time. He doesn't have much time to read his Bible the way he would like. I on the other hand go to three different Bible studies a week, plus church on Sunday. In my free time I read a lot. Usually I'm in the middle of two to four books at a time. One of them is always some sort of devotional. Constantly I come across things I want to share with Michael, but since he works so much he may not be around to listen to my latest bit of inspiration.

A few days ago I had an idea. Why not write out my thoughts, the passages I read, the bits of scripture and stick them in his lunch box. Mini devotionals that give him a moment to reflect on Jesus, while at the same time sharing with him my own experiences. I tried it for the first time tonight and Michael told me he loved it. And it sparked a great conversation later that night when he got home. I plan to continue slipping them into his lunch box from time to time.

It's a small thing, but some times the small things can leave a big impact. What are the small ways you show your spouse you love them? What small things can you do to connect with your spouse?

Amelia's Thoughts on Leave & Cleave

2010-03-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

I love Tara's wise words on leave and cleave. I'm just going to offer a quick note of my own since Dalen and I have a different situation. The week after we married, we moved across the country to Tennessee. We were so excited to start out new life together, where ever that may be, but we had no idea it would be the place we planted roots and started a family. Our dilemma often revolves around WHEN to visit Oregon and then HOW we spend our time there. I secretly feel lucky because as it happens, my parents house is the only available place to stay. But from there we do so much running around trying to visit everyone and please everyone, that it can be exhausting, especially with 3 kids in tow. Although we love our visits to friends and family back in Oregon (we were both raised there, so there's a huge circle), it is a lot of "work" and not always the way Dalen would prefer to spend his hard earned week of vacation.
Ha! I actually don't have any profound advice for anyone in the same situation! All I can say is it takes communication, compromise and patience (each of those is worthy of their own blog entry!). I'm also very fortunate to have married into a delightful family who I look forward to spending time with. Even so, after a few...umm...tense conversations, I'm looking forward to a family vacation this year, just the five of us, not in Oregon :)

Leave and Cleave

2010-03-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife. Genesis 2:24

I don’t think Michael and I were even a day into our honeymoon when he got a call on his cell from his mom. We were out of state and in those days most people didn’t have national plans, we certainly didn’t so we had our phones off. When Michael decided to check his messages around day three I was shocked that his mom had called him twice. It continued to bother me all though the early years of our marriage that she called almost daily. I never talked to either one of my parents more than once or twice a week. It seemed unnatural and I just didn’t understand it. I wish I had known then the importance of parent/ married-adult-child boundaries and how to deal with in-laws. It’s been a very rocky road at times for me and my mother in-law. Here are a few things I’ve learned the hard way over the years.

The idea of leave and cleave does not mean cutting yourself completely off from your relationship with your parents, it just means you are putting your spouse before them. You are still honoring your father and mother, but top honors, top priority and loyalty, go to your spouse.
When issues arise it is best for you to each deal with your own parents whenever possible. This keeps mother in-law from feeling like her daughter in-law is picking on her and stealing her son away and on the flip side the wife’s parents don’t get the feeling the husband is being controlling and domineering.
Don’t talk bad about your spouse to your parents. This is especially hard for daughter and mothers who talk about everything, but your parents don’t need to know all the unnecessary dirt on your spouse. It makes you seem disrespectful of your spouse while at the same time often causing your parents to take a protective stance in which they may come to despise your spouse.
Don’t talk bad about your in-laws to your spouse. You’re forcing a choosing of sides and that’s not fair. Be on your souses side and discuss problems with in-laws in a respectful manner. Backbiting and harsh words no matter how good they feel coming out initially don’t really help in the long run.
Remember you didn’t just marry your spouse, you really married their family as well.

It takes time to sort out the family dynamics and get comfortable with one another. I know that in six years of marriage I still don’t understand Michael’s family. And I know I have a lot more patience and grace with my own family than Michael does or I do with his. Things still can get a bit rocky with my in-laws and I’m constantly learning and adjusting in how I interact with them. It’s just all part of the process. Relationships that challenge us, if we can work through them, make us better people.

Keys to a strong and peaceful marriage

2010-03-02T22:34:00.000-08:00

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." Romans 12:14-18

What you need from your spouse and they from you, is someone who will share in the experience. Someone to cry on. someone to laugh with. Someone to understand. You also need someone and to be someone who is easy to get along with. Living peaceably with your spouse is a choice.

Being in harmony and at peace is so important to your marriage. Making sure that you and your spouse stand strong together.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

You + Your Spouse + God = A Threefold Cord

No rock climber is safe to ascend without a strong rope and someone to belay from below.

Finding moments

2010-02-28T20:57:00.000-08:00

Amelia and I were talking the other day about finding moments to connect with your spouse in the midst of chaotic schedules. Both of our husbands are going back to school and working full time. Amelia and I are both stay at home moms that are often attending to at least one of our young kiddies at all hours of the day. Being in the midst of this can feel overwhelming and conversations with our spouses, let alone other more intimate meetings, seem far and few between. Many young couples, especially if kids are in the picture, have this same dilemma. So the question is posed, how do you find meaningful moments in the day for a little heart to heart connection with your spouse?

The answer is, you make it happen where ever and whenever you can. You fit it in. You make it important. It is so easy to go about living your own separate lives that you soon just sort of forget about each other. Disconnection becomes more disconnected if it’s let to itself. Connection can only be repaired with purposeful moments. For Michael and I, one of the ways we stay connected is to eat as many meals together in a day as we can. Sometimes this means an earlier breakfast, a rushed lunch, or a late dinner. Meals are a great way for the whole family to sit down and actually look at each other for awhile; maybe even a little conversation or devotional. Devotionals or scripture reading is a great way to facilitate conversation and to share ideas. I have a friend who is young and married and her and her husband keep a little book of scenarios on their dining room table. They open it up during meals and read a random question like, “what book would you want with you on a deserted island?” This is a great way create dialogue and share a few laughs.

Trips in the car are Michael and I’s #1 discussion time. We have family all over the country, the continent actually. Our closest relatives live about a hours drive away so we do a lot of car travel. Most of that time is spent talking and holding hands (when safe of course). I also love it when I’m driving back from visiting family by myself and can call and chat with Michael on the phone when he is at home waiting for me. Not a lot of men enjoy talking on the phone, but Michael’s a good talker and our phone conversations can get lengthy. Whenever we chat like this it reminds me of when we were dating and lived over 100 miles apart. We did a lot of talking on the phone back then. It’s a moment for remembrance, reflection and reconnection.

A scheduled date night once a week is highly recommended if you can make it happen, if you are especially busy at least do it once or twice a month. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. When Michael and I go out we have close friends that will watch the kids for free. We usually end up at some coffee shop sipping tea and playing cards. When the weather’s nicer we go for walks in the city. Cities are great because there are always a lot of free or cheap things going on. Here in Portland we have First Thursday which is basically a huge art and music fest free-for-all in the middle of the road.

Another simple thing I recommend that Michael and I do is to go to bed together whenever possible. Not just for the sake of sex, but because falling asleep together is a great way to connect in other ways. Cuddling, whispering in the dark, praying before you fall asleep- these are making moments that matter. One quick word of advice on bedrooms: If you have children and let them sleep in your bed at night, ban them from your room. Make your room a sanctuary, a romantic spot, clean and clutter free. Make it a holy temple of sacrifice for only you and your spouse.

Whatever way you find to make moments and create connections here are some other quick tips:

· Ignore the phone- turn it off if necessary.

· Same goes for the computer and tv.

· If you can find time when the kids are sleeping, out playing or stick them in front of a video while you retreat to a quieter room for a bit.

· Make contact- hold each other, hold hands, rub each other’s feet or backs. I make sure to do the things I know Michael loves like getting a back scratch or running my fingers through his hair.

· If you’re discussing a sensitive issue and things get tense, remember to stay calm but assertive.

If at first you don't succeed...

2010-02-25T23:35:00.000-08:00

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” I remember my mom quoting that line to me many times in my childhood. In my adolescent mind, and still today as an adult, it conjures up images of a young Bambi and Thumper out on the ice and Thumper encouraging Bambi with those words to keep trying to skate on the ice. Maybe its a little cheesy, but really it is a good motto for most things in life. It is a great motto for your marriage.

I get so disheartened anytime I hear about a marriage breaking up, especially when there are children involved. I’m not going to say that divorce is wrong 100% of the time, but the truth is most of the time it happens simply because couples give up. They don’t want to try anymore. They just can’t figure out their finances and so they fight continually. They just can’t seem to communicate and see eye to eye. She refuses to have sex with him most night. He is still a mommy’s boy. They hide things. They cheat. And eventually they just stop trying.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to quit trying- at least for the moment. The hardest thing for me in our marriage is communicating. I don’t communicate verbally very well. When I sit down to write it comes easy because I can think and process and go back and change words or phrases as often as I like. I can’t do that verbally. Even thinking and processing things becomes hard for me once I open my mouth. It’s like my mouth opens and my brain shuts off. When we were first married Michael and I would have a fight or I’d get upset about something and my first response was just to shut down. Not talk, not look at him, just try to get away and out of the situation. That didn’t work. It didn’t solve anything and it wasn’t good for me or our marriage. I had to learn to talk things out. It took a lot of trying and in six years of practice I still stink at it sometimes. I’m sure I still will even after fifty years, but I’m determined to keep on trying.

Success is the goal, but it doesn’t come without a lot of trying, so try, try again in your marriage.

More reflections on rescuing from Tara

2010-02-21T22:45:00.000-08:00

There are going to be seasons in your marriage when the rescuing is a little one sided. In January my husband, Michael, got laid off. A few weeks later he got very ill and it lasted for about three weeks. He couldn’t do much for himself and he was feeling stressed about his job situation. Those weeks I was in rescue mode. Over and over, basically daily, I was the rescuer. Not only was I taking care of his every need, even literally giving him my shoulder to lean on so he could walk, but I was reassuring him that it was all going to work out. I remember thinking that it was odd I wasn’t feeling stressed or anxious because so many people around me seemed so depressed over less. I knew only God could be attributed for giving me the joy for that moment that I was able to pass onto Michael. At times it was a little daunting to always be the rescuer, but I felt a lot of grace for that time. As I felt like I was in a time of rescuing Michael, I also felt like I was in a season of being rescued by God.

The other thing that comes to mind about rescuing is that I think we often need to be rescued in very specific ways. Not all husbands are going to be able to respond the way Dalen did to Amelia in that moment. Probably not even Dalen, as wonderful of a husband as he is, can always get it right. If we need to be rescued and know it, we need to say it. Sometimes I don’t want advice and I don’t want to be told to “snap out of it”. I just want to unload and I want someone to unload on. Or I don’t want to be touched or maybe I do. I’ve learned the hard way that I have to let Michael know what I want from him. I remember once I had a big fight with his mother and was pretty upset. I kept just spouting off verbal vomit, not really making any sense. I was just in a state of emotional turmoil. Michael tried offering advice and help and I just got more frustrated by his answers. Seeing that I was getting more hysterical he finally asked me what I wanted. I didn’t know at first. I had gotten so engrossed in trying to talk it out that I didn’t know what I really wanted. After a moment of silent thought I knew I wanted just for him to hold me and let me cry. And that’s what he did, and that’s what I did.

It’s an amazing feeling to be rescued by your husband. Sometimes it might sting a bit, like when there is a good dose of correction along with it, but rescuing is always done out of love and so it is always going to make you feel cherished. Our words, our ability to communicate well with one another is so key to making our marriage work. I suspect communication is going to come up an awful lot.

The Great Rescue

2010-02-20T22:47:00.000-08:00

Our first real post brought to you by Amelia:

After a slow Saturday morning I was anxious to get outside and enjoy the warm weather. I had little to show for the first part of my day. I spent most of it consoling a very unhappy 9 month old. Finally, when we had loaded up the three kids to go to the car wash and the park, my bad attitude came steaming out my ears. Dalen and I were standing outside the van (eating baby carrots) as I started telling him how things were not going well for me. I was stressed about the crying baby, DIRTY house, messy car, what about dinner, what about your homework and…by the way…I wanted to sew some curtains! He reminded me that he wasn’t having a bad day, the kids weren’t having a bad day and I shouldn’t be either. But I was in deep. I had spent most of the day feeling frustrated. Then with out warning he picked me up over his shoulder, walked me to the back yard and began wildly spinning me in circles! When he set me down I instantly fell in the grass flat on my back, chewed up baby carrots all over my face. He furthered the spectacle by helping me up and making me walk, which I could not do! We returned to the car in laughter and got in to see huge delighted smiles on our children’s faces. My husband had been picking up on my sour heart all day and instead of telling me to buck up and get over it, he had come to my rescue. It is so easy to become ensnared by our own bad attitudes. No, we don’t want the people around us to suffer, and of course we want to be enjoyable company, but sometimes we just get in too deep. The selfless rescue of a patient spouse can be just the line we need to pull us out of troubled waters. If Dalen had told me to snap out of it and not ruin the rest of the day for everyone else, he would have been right. And there are times when the correction of a spouse can be timely and helpful.

Think about the way you respond to your spouse when life gets them down. Are you quick to offer advice or get on to them for being grumpy and moody? It’s no fun to be frustrated or down in the dumps and often times we know our attitudes are not justified. Instead of waiting for your spouse to just “get over it” or responding back with a bad attitude try coming in with kindness and helping them out of their hole.

Dalen spent most of the evening at his wits end doing hours of math homework. After the kids had gone to bed it was my turn to come to my worn out husband and offer him a great rescue. ;)

Introduction

2010-02-17T23:06:00.000-08:00

The idea for this blog was spawned out of many conversations with my good friend, Amelia. We were both married within a year of each other at the young age of 20. When marriage turned out to be harder than we expected, we turned to each other for help and advice. One day during one of our long talks the question was asked, "why weren't we writing this stuff down?" Surely we had enough for a book by now. We started talking and dreaming about using what we knew as well as what we were in the process of learning to help others who were in the same boat as us or maybe just starting out. We may not have enough to write a book yet or even the ability to do so, but this will be the stuff we wish we had known when we were first young and married. This blog will be our true life stories. Even, at times, the raw hard lessons we are currently learning. Please come along on our journey. Learn from our mistakes. Make a few of your own. But most of all take joy in your marriage as we take joy in ours.